(no subject)

There's so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve, I just don't know where to start or how to do it. I realize that I will have to learn and that the best way to learn is to learn from people. Sure, books are written by people, too, but they don't answer individual questions, they cannot adapt to an individual way of thinking, individual logic, knowledge or experience. Books are either written to promote the author's way, or they're written to match with the average knowledge and experience of a broad public or general readership.
I'm seeking guidance, I seek answers, I need instructions. I want to learn where to start and how to do things. How to fix things. And I want to learn from people, because only there lies the most valuable knowledge next to own experience.
But just like books, I will have to find the 'right' people, those who can teach me what I want and need to know. I realize, I have to get to know people. The problem is that I don't want anyone to get to know me.

I will give and tell what I have and know, but I don't want to tell about myself. Because I know people will leave, and when they leave, they take all their knowledge, all their thoughts, all their realizations with them, and also the parts of me that they've seen. I feel like every parting, silent or wordy, takes /me/ apart, takes parts from me and spreads them, takes them away and reduces what stays here, together, at the same place. When I'm getting thinner this way, how can people say it makes us stronger. It spreads us, and if you spread a dough, it covers a bigger area, but it's getting thinner everywhere.
I want to keep myself together, I want to keep track of myself, know where I am, keep in touch with all my parts. That's why I'm so reluctant to give them away. Why I stay away from people, why I don't get to know them, why I don't find the teachers and the guidance that I seek. I know this way I'm making life a lot harder for myself. But I'm just too fond of my self. ^^