kyanited: (don't ask)
Happy by whose standards?

In a documentary rich kids said poor people can't be happy, and poor kids said rich people can't be happy. And it occured to me that people do that very often - look at someone's situation and pass judgement about that someone's happiness, or chance at happiness.
And I realized how lucky and even blessed I am to be surrounded by people - at home, at work, at the stable, when I meet with friends... who accept my version of happiness as what it is - my own version of happiness, even if they don't share it or comprehend it. To accept something you don't understand or comprehend is a difficult thing, and the inability to do so is often cause for conflicts. It may be partly because I simply don't bother with people who don't accept, but I believe it's also the way it's communicated. And no, I'm not talking about being gay, I'm talking about the choices I made in my life and the priorities I set. However, even communication is dificult with some people...

Yep, high school reunion is approaching and I'm actually afraid of the young mothers who married their high school sweetheart and work as accountants at the local bank. My best friend offered to hold my hand while I suffer through the event. I let her down the last two times and I'd feel really bad if I chickened out again. *sigh*

kyanited: (super K)
:) The small achievements...

I wasn't feeling well today, so no work.. I thought maybe I could go shopping for a new VCR, but didn't really feel up to driving around, either, so I stayed home and did nothing. Except staring at my Practical Joke tape. Which would be perfect to pass the time, but watching was impossible with a dead VCR.
So I did the only logical thing. XD raise the dead. - Yay me.
kyanited: (Mai)
I bought hair bands today. For myself. For the first time in my entire life.
kyanited: (Default)
Life holds nothing terrible for the one who has made it plain to himself that there is nothing terrible in not-living. Thus, whoever says he fears death, not because it will bring pain but because it comes some day, is talking into the blue. For what when it comes does not bother us, because we are dead, cannot bring us pain; we can only imagine it while we wait. So the alleged most eerie evil, death, is without meaning to us, because as long as we're here death is not, and as soon as death arrives we're gone.

So death has no meaning for either the living or the dead; to one it does not apply and to the other it does not exist.

The majority, though, dread death as the worst of all evils; others regard it as a repose from life's struggles. Whereas the wise neither reject life nor fear not-living. For neither does life displease him nor does he consider not living to be something bad.

[ Epicurus (341–270 B.C.) ]



What I fear, what I always feared, is and was physical pain, and especially not knowing if and when the pain ends or I stop being aware of it.
kyanited: (Default)
I finally got a guide for my trip next month! Whee!



Sometimes I scare myself. )
kyanited: (Default)
    *
sometimes
those farthest away
are the most loved
because
sometimes
the love is so intense
that it would scorch
anyone within reach
    *


    *
the very moment
that I down the fifth shot
to make myself forget
I remember
the reason
why I shouldn't drink.
    *


    *
when I look into her eyes
big and full of questions
and all she asks is "Why?"
Will I be able to say
"Because I loved your mom?"
    *


    *
there is a lot you can drown
in a shot glass
but no matter how hard you try
you cannot drown existence
    *

kyanited: (rock)
at the bottom of sadness
smiles are the most genuine
kyanited: (Default)
many tears have washed
your name from my memory
but your smile remains

no day without you
no day without your beauty
no day without love
kyanited: (sol_bianca)
There's so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve, I just don't know where to start or how to do it. I realize that I will have to learn and that the best way to learn is to learn from people. Sure, books are written by people, too, but they don't answer individual questions, they cannot adapt to an individual way of thinking, individual logic, knowledge or experience. Books are either written to promote the author's way, or they're written to match with the average knowledge and experience of a broad public or general readership.
I'm seeking guidance, I seek answers, I need instructions. I want to learn where to start and how to do things. How to fix things. And I want to learn from people, because only there lies the most valuable knowledge next to own experience.
But just like books, I will have to find the 'right' people, those who can teach me what I want and need to know. I realize, I have to get to know people. The problem is that I don't want anyone to get to know me.

I will give and tell what I have and know, but I don't want to tell about myself. Because I know people will leave, and when they leave, they take all their knowledge, all their thoughts, all their realizations with them, and also the parts of me that they've seen. I feel like every parting, silent or wordy, takes /me/ apart, takes parts from me and spreads them, takes them away and reduces what stays here, together, at the same place. When I'm getting thinner this way, how can people say it makes us stronger. It spreads us, and if you spread a dough, it covers a bigger area, but it's getting thinner everywhere.
I want to keep myself together, I want to keep track of myself, know where I am, keep in touch with all my parts. That's why I'm so reluctant to give them away. Why I stay away from people, why I don't get to know them, why I don't find the teachers and the guidance that I seek. I know this way I'm making life a lot harder for myself. But I'm just too fond of my self. ^^

Daunting

May. 23rd, 2006 06:29 pm
kyanited: (Default)
Shadow

The precious herb is
Next to a beautiful rose
Only common weed.
kyanited: (Default)


Radiance

Would you, for a while,
Indulge me and allow me
to bathe in your smile?
kyanited: (rock)
Do you trust my taste in music? Pick a number between 1 and 1723 and I'll find the corresponding song in my collection playlist. I'll upload it for you (and everyone else reading this entry) to grab. [Optional: when you've gotten a song from me, go post this meme in your own journal, so I can grab a random song from you.]


Taking a look at my own list I'm sure I should not be trusted. But try your luck, maybe you get something fancy. :P
kyanited: (Default)
--
"Kyanite is an attractive mineral that has a near sapphire like blue color in some especially nice specimens. Kyanite has a unique characteristic in that it has a wide variation in hardness, in the same crystal. The hardness of kyanite is approximately 4.5 when scratched along cleavage planes and approximately 6.5 across cleavage planes."
--
"With it's ability to keep the mind calm, Kyanite is supposed to be ideal for calming the mind and controlling anxiety. It is also belived to be capable of getting rid of mental and spiritual confusion. When violent thoughts travel through the mind Kyanite is believed to dissolve anger and frustration."
--
"Kyanite forms in metamorphic rocks at moderate temperature and high pressure."
--
"The blue color in metamorphic kyanite is due to trace amounts of impurities."

picture )
kyanited: (hell_sig_av)
Does she dance.

On graves. On hearts. On empty streets.

Is her dress flowing in the wind that was breath?

Are her eyes closed,
when the vibrations
hit her chest?


Does she bend or will she break...


Will there be silence.

Or a crimson scream.


Or just stillness.

And another breath.


Before she leaves.


No tears. No tears.

Not in her dress. Not in my eyes.


Only stains.

On her dress, on my skin.


Undamaged.

But affected.


Used.

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